Ever found yourself on a date, nodding along like a pro while your brain’s doing a full Broadway musical behind your eyes? (Just me?) That’s exactly the kind of glorious chaos we unpacked in our recent peer group online meetup, Dating and Relationships for ADHDers—a space for wonderfully wired humans (‘grads’ of our six-week course) to compare notes on love, lust, limerence, and lost dinner reservations.
We started with a classic warm-up:
“What’s one brilliant or bonkers thing ADHD has brought to your relationships?”
Cue the confessions: hyperfocus-fuelled declarations of love after two dates, forgetting you’ve told the same anecdote three times in 20 minutes, and accidentally ghosting someone you actually really liked because the WhatsApps are too hard to keep up with. (Oops.)
Enter: Chaotic Carol
My latest cartoon summed up my own challenges in the 80s-90s (hence my inner dating monologue in a tragic perm).
Dating with ADHD means managing not just your outfit and your opening line, but the invisible background script of overthinking, sensory overwhelm, and trying to “act normal” while remembering their name, your own boundaries, and (for some of us) what time your meds wore off.
How ADHD Shows Up in Love
We explored our patterns: the hyperfocus honeymoon phase, the push-pull of craving intimacy and then completely forgetting to reply, and the accidental ghosting that keeps us up at 3am six months later.
Some questions worth asking ourselves:
- What helps when dating works? (For many – structure, shared interests/values, humour, clarity.)
- What derails it? (rampant rejection sensitivity, burnout, boredom, people who say “ADHD isn’t real.”)
Real Tips from Real ADHDers
This wasn’t about pretending to be neurotypical. It was about sharing things that actually work for our brains. Tips included:
- Be upfront (when ready) – Share your pace, your needs, your quirks.
- Calendar it like you care – Planning ≠ boring. It means you remembered.
- Use humour and clarity – Direct is sexy. So is laughing at the awkward bits.
- Regulate before the date – A walk, a nap, a playlist, a bath—whatever gets your nervous system back online.
- Be curious, not apologetic – Your brain isn’t broken. Just… very sparkly.
I did reminisce about mix tapes (only a few remembered cassettes laboriously recorded for our love object… sigh). Nowadays it’s easy to share a playlist, meme, cartoon etc to stay connected when words feel too hard.
Big Feelings, Red Flags & Limerence
We got real about limerence—the obsessive, infatuated “I’m in LOVE” spiral that sometimes happens… before you know their last name. We talked about how to pause, phone a friend, and gently ask yourself, “Is this love… or just dopamine on a bender?”
And because many of us have big hearts and a history of being gaslit or manipulated, we named the importance of spotting red flags early. Not everyone deserves access to your sparkle.
Pro tip: Ask someone their idea of a perfect date. If it’s “packed sports bar” and yours is “quiet bookshop with dog,” that’s information. Also—how do they treat animals? Huge clue.
On Texting, Ghosting & Online Dating Dread
We swapped horror stories and useful hacks. Long text threads can feel like deep connection… until you realise you’ve built an entire narrative based on someone’s use of a winking emoji.
Rejection Sensitivity can turn a slow reply into a full-body spiral. It’s exhausting. You are not alone.
Side-by-Side Beats Face-to-Face
One of our favourite suggestions: dog-walking dates. You’re moving, you’re side by side, the pressure’s lower. It’s not sitting across from a stranger in a loud pub wondering what to do with your hands energy.
Also: if you can, take the day off before a big date. Regulate. Medicate. Meditate. Whatever works. You don’t need to arrive frazzled.
Loving Like You
Some of us realised we’ve been blaming ourselves when relationships don’t last. But sometimes it’s not failure—it’s just not your person. At times we’ve got to face up to that. And that’s okay.
We concluded that we don’t need to be less intense—just more ourselves… whether or not we choose to disclose our ADHD – some of us feel it’s safer to wait until 2 or 3 dates in.
Because ADHD dating may be messy. But it’s never boring. And let’s be honest: we bring a lot to the table. Enthusiasm. Curiosity. Honesty. The occasional forgotten birthday. But always, always heart.
Carol Stobie, Procrastination Station
